Do you ball?

Today I thought I would talk about something on the lighter side of life. A topic that my friend Phil and I had a couple of years ago and might quite possibly the funniest conversation I have ever had. Do you ball the toilet paper when you wipe or do you fold? Now I will admit paying attention on how you wipe your ass seems kind of weird and non sophisticated but I would like to dig deeper into this. Is each method a reflection on the personality of the wiper? I would like to think maybe its a little true. Ah the fold method so neat and organized, modified for maximum effectiveness. With this method I would say individuals who use this tend to be more organized, are planners and know how to be efficient in all their daily activities. All though it maybe the most effective way to wipe ones ass it does have a sense of bore to it. If you choose to ball or crunch the paper you aren't really using the paper to its full potential however this method is built for speed. I mean when you are in a crunch and don't have the time to fold this method is perfect. Individuals that prefer this method show qualities such as randomness, living for the moment, adrenalin junkie. We all know the type. Now although this method is good for a time crunch be warned there are some draw backs. This method is a clear waste of paper and in these times of being green it may not be the best for you tree huggers out there. If you ball, you do run the risk of not have all your digits covered properly when you do wipe. Also your digits may be covered but with a single layer you may have a poke through which believe me you do not want. Now I have covered the two most popular ways of cleaning yourself after pooing but I failed to mention the bidet. For those of you who do not have one or know what it is I shall explain. It is device that pumps low pressure water in a vertical fashion , the individual stands above the sprouting water and the water does the work that toilet paper would do. Now let me set the record straight by saying yes I have a bidet and no I have never used it. It does function with running water but it is strictly used as a magazine holder. I have seen someone use it as a water fountain but thats a whole different story.

Now that I have discussed the different types of wiping lets explore the lean. Lean you ask? Yes the lean. Well not just the lean, it could be a squat or even the full stand. I am talking about the action one does to gain access to use the ball or fold method. Now I would say that the lean is the most popular only on the fact thats what I do and seems most logical but after doing some research and many drunken conversations I have learned that isn't the case. Be that is it may lets discuss in further.

The Lean , now this method I know very well because its the only one I have ever known. There really is no wrong or right way of leaning. I would say most people who use this method use their dominate hand. I would caution with using your dominate hand just for the sake of you using that hand to eat with. Next we have the squatter. This method tends to remind me of a toddler who is just learning the art of ass wiping. You know shirt underneath the chin pants around the ankles, really getting in there and getting physical with it. I find this to be the most comical and also very useful when you are in a toilet situation that may require you to hover or when there is no toilet present. Last and certainly least is the standing method. Now when I first heard of this I didn't believe it at all. I mean really who stands to wipe. Well I love to be proven wrong. This does exist and is in full practice all around the world. Example, when I was over seas and was at an Italian Camp their bathrooms had no toilets so leaning was definitely out of the question. After asking around I found that most of them stood to wipe. Weird as it maybe they explained toilets took up needed space therefore unneeded.

Now that I have discussed the methods of wiping and methods of holding your toilet paper you as a reader should be very conscious of whats going on down there. I did leave out one important thing. The front to back method or back to front. I did this for a reason because I am under the assumption that everyone uses the front to back method and no information was needed. As an informed reader I would challenge you to think outside the box next time you are in the wash closet and perhaps change your method to fit your needs.